Family Culture Matters: How to Create a Lasting Impression

Young children spend most of their time at home or in early childhood education programs. These are the two most influential environments where children develop. Family life is a major influencer in development and can greatly affect the child’s potential outcome as an adult.

Think about your family culture growing up. Do you recall experiences that are still influencing your thoughts and actions today? Sometimes the effects of our childhood are obvious and sometimes it takes years of therapy to uncover. Now think about the family culture that you model for your children. If you had a positive experience growing up, I bet you’ve chosen to practice a similar culture with your own kids. If your childhood was not so great, you’re probably doing everything you can give to your kids a better upbringing.

Children develop dynamically, in an interactive process with the world around them. Each child is unique in the way they receive information. Observing the people and environment around them shapes how children think and behave. These thinking patterns become engrained in their very being and are carried into adulthood.

What is Family Culture

Let’s define it. There are many layers of culture that influences us. Nationality, religion, politics, cities, neighborhoods, your workplace, they all have a culture.

Two ways Webster defines “culture” are:

1. the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization
2. the integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge to succeeding generations

From these two definitions, we can define a family culture as a collection of shared knowledge, values, beliefs, rules and practices that characterize a family and guides each member’s behavior, attitudes and goals.

Simply put, it’s a family’s way of life. There are many factors that make up a family culture. I’ve boiled it down into five elements that will help you define your family culture. They are values, traditions, rules, norms and tolerance.

Values

Family values pertain to the structure, function, roles, beliefs, attitudes and ideals of the family. They set the tone for how the family acts and behaves. The values practiced are the foundation for how young children learn, grow and function within the world. A family mantra is a fun way to reinforce this. You could steal Jackie Moon’s “everybody love everybody,” or come up with your own! Think about how you want family life to be. If you could leave your kids with one lesson, what would it be?

Traditions

Traditions are what make your family special. They pave the way for memories. Sometimes, they are passed down from previous generations and can evolve over time. New traditions can be started. Traditions provide consistency and gives children something good to look forward to. Your family traditions don’t have to be fancy; it could be Taco Tuesdays or a silly bedtime routine. Family traditions help your family reconnect and remind you of what truly matters.

Rules

To keep your family strong, you’ll want to set clearly defined rules. Let them be known and understood by all. No electronics at dinner or in the car will encourage conversation. Eating only in the kitchen/dining room establishes boundaries, limits constant snacking and keeps your carpets and furniture crumb-free (hello, sanity!). Use “we” to establish inclusion. “We take our shoes off in the mudroom.” “We don’t hurt others with our words or actions.”

Norms

Norms are what is expected of people. Both spoken and unspoken rules. Norms set the standard for how individuals should carry themselves and what behaviors are either acceptable or unacceptable in certain circumstances. Children learn the family norms by viewing others in the family and testing the limits through their own behaviors. For example, if our daughter asked my wife for a cookie before dinner, she expects the answer to be no (she’s still hopeful and tries anyway). It’s no surprise that these norms are practiced outside the home- in school, daycare and at the grocery store. These expectations are carried into adulthood too- at college, work, and eventually in their own family. You can see why it’s important to model healthy norms early on. Be conscious of the norms you are modeling. Establish norms within your family, but also show them how diverse the world is and how other families have different norms.

Tolerance of Differences

Conformity varies greatly from person to person and from culture to culture. Children are not born with attitudes that reject differences, they learn through their own experiences and by viewing how the adults around them tolerate differences. How accepting are you of differences? What are you teaching the children that look up to you?

Why a Strong Family Culture is Important

A strong family culture is the glue that keeps your family together. Although kids love to explore and test your patience (over and over), they find comfort in routines and stability. With a family culture, your kids know what to expect from you and in life. They know what you expect from them and what values are important. Think of your family culture as your default setting if you had a “reset” button. It’s a child’s comfort zone when they feel lost. Family culture gives them a sense of belonging and self-awareness.

Family Culture’s Role in Society

The above elements mold children into the adults they will become. As children grow up and go out into the world, they use their family culture as guidance for dealing with the messy and the magical that is life. Establishing a strong family culture teaches children how to interact with the world. Since it becomes engrained in them, even those that distance themselves from toxic family members find that it’s hard to shake bad habits attributed to their family culture. It can take years, to get passed a limiting belief that you learned in your early childhood. Therefore, it’s important to create a family culture that is strong and meaningful. The carefree little minions that run around the house in their underwear today are going to be the leaders, innovators and decision-makers of tomorrow.