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Some of us would be happy to work on their relationships. But they do not understand what that means. Is it about remembering anniversaries, helping at home or visiting a therapist? It depends. It depends on your goals and desires, your life views and your plans. And when we say “your goals” we mean the goals of both of you. That is the most complicated thing in relationships. Two people start building a relationship and they are different. They are like two puzzles that want to match but they are not completely compatible. And they start learning everything about each other. They think about how they could make a perfect picture together. They find compromises. They change their habits and views. And if they are motivated enough, if they have enough time and resources, one day they can admit that they built great relationship. When we come home after a hard working day, it could be exhausting to keep working, working on your relationships. But that is how we find the ideal balance. Our relationship like everything else requires some practice, time and investments to become good and comfortable for both of you.
Again, listen to your partner. Working on relationships is not something intangible. It is about real actions. We all come tired from work, but find about fifteen minutes for a deeper conversation, spend some quality time with your girlfriend, dedicate extra 10 minutes and plan your next weekend. Your relationship should not consist of everyday routine. When you think about your relationship, the brightest and happiest memories should come to your mind. That is the way to build a happy relationship. Obviously, it is impossible without everyday care, love and support. But all those notions are realized with actions. You make her a tea when she is tired. You buy her medicine when she catches a cold. You help her with the work at home. You buy presents for her. You take her to interesting places. You hug her. You kiss her. You try to make her life better. You also get support. You get a massage after a long day. She cooks healthy, and tasty dishes because your doctor told you to mind your diet. She goes with you to tense family events. She hugs you. She kisses you. She tries to make your life better. It is very important to understand your partner’s needs in order to make the right actions to satisfy her. It often happens that we truly believe that we do a lot for our relationship, for a person we date. Maybe, she does not need expensive presents two times a year, she would prefer something smaller but more often. Or she can walk her dog alone, but it would really help if you could take care of her broken car. There could be hundreds of similar situations. You would never guess what a particular person would prefer. Some women need to meet their partner every day. They other prefer to have some space and privacy. Some of them need to share everything with their partners, others find it really difficult to talk about particular issues. You cannot know it before you spend some time with her and understand what kind of person she is. Our needs change all the time. Just imagine that one hundred years ago, no one thought about emotional support and understanding. Values were absolutely different. There were times when parents chose partners for their children. And they also thought about absolutely different qualities we think now. It depends on our culture, society, age and many other criteria. That is why we need to be attentive to our partners in order to understand what we should do to work on our relationships. When we stop caring about a person, we stop doing all those small and huge actions. We stop working on our relationship. And it leads to a crisis. Every time. There are some people who can make this process unexpectedly long. They live together. They do some basic actions to keep their relationships alive. But they do not care about each other’s feelings. It is definitely one of the worst scenarios. Some people lose their passion for life. They do not want to bother to make themselves and the people around them happy. They lose their hope for happiness and keep living together excluding even the smallest chance that at least one of them can build a more satisfying life.
We are going to cover the main direction you might want to cover while working on your relationship.
Being a couple is not just about romantic love and passion. We remember that after the first passionate, emotional phase comes a more calm phase. It is full of deeper connection, understanding, attachment. It is a phase that lasts for years. And if we want that last as long as possible we have to learn to be friends. Being friends means to be able to discuss absolutely everything, to be able to trust your partner, to be able to discuss some complicated issues, to have time for deep conversations. It is very important because it brings us satisfaction and confidence. It makes us live with our soulmates not because we are simply attached but because our feelings and connection are strong. It is almost impossible to build a successful relationship without such a deep connection, without being friends. If you realize that there is a lack of friendship in your relationship, try to learn each other. Ask deeper questions. Ask about your partner’s opinions. Ask her for a feedback. It is not about being importunate. It is about your mutual interest in each other’s life, future, past, plans, feelings. If you do not need this connection, if this person is not interesting for you, you have to reconsider your relationship and plans regarding this person.
Balance is necessary. A relationship does not work well if you can not achieve balance. If one person overdoes and the other only accepts, those two people cannot become happy in this couple. A relationship requires mutual work, investments into your couple. We will discuss ways of solving disbalance issues deeper in the next part. But if you are the one who always receives calls and never calls first, if you do not want to hug your partner, to kiss her, to spend time with her, it is time for you to decide if you need this person in your life or maybe it is better not to hurt her and let her go and find a person who would give her love and support she deserves. You can not be with a person just because it is comfortable for you. If you begin dating someone, you take some responsibilities. It is important not to hurt people around us. Sometimes it is better to break up. If you feel that this person is still important for you, try to analyze your behavior and your feelings and find the reasons why things went wrong.
All the time we repeat that communication is a key to a successful relationship. But it would not be easy to build great communication if you have problems with friendship and balance. At the same time, if you even do not try to talk, it would be hard to understand each other and find a mutual solution. A relationship has a complex structure. You cannot make it work if one constituent is missing. The best things you can do is to work on all spheres of your relationship. Then succeeding in one of them will mean you’ll succeed in others. The great thing about that is a reward you receive for investments in your couple. A person who is happy in his relationship is also motivated to achieve other goals. Such a person feels the support and understanding. It helps him to deal with obstacles he meets in his professional life. That is why it is so important either to have a healthy relationship or to live happily alone. But not to live in stress, scandals, and disorder. It will definitely affect other spheres of your life. Listen to your feelings and find what is best for you, if you want to be successful and achieve new goals. We often hear that we have to work on our relationships. But what does that actually mean? We already discussed a few practices to make our romantic life more diverse. It is just one of the directions. Love is often about emotions. It is strongly bounded to emotions we feel. We already know that people tend to fall in love when they feel strong emotions. For example, when you go with your friend to a trip together. There is just you and her. You spend a lot of time together, so your attention is captured by her and vice versa. At the same time, your attention isn’t distracted by other objects (or other attractive females). There is a great chance that you would start feeling something for your friend. For that reason people often have affairs at work. It is understandable.
Two people spend 8 hours together day after day. They find each other sexually attractive. The focus is narrowed. Not everyone can resist the temptation. But when we build long-term relationships, they form emotional stratification. It means that it is a much more complex system. But it is still ruled by neurological processes and if we want our romantic relationships last longer, we have to feed them with bright emotions and new experiences. It might be challenging, as we all tend to maintain our relationships in a stable state. This is called the homeostasis law. And that is what make us settle into a routine. But routine is not romantic. Routine is not sexy. Routine is not passionate. It means that you have to make your hormones and neurotrophins work in the particular way to keep this amazing feeling of romantic love in your couple. And that is one of the ways to work on your relationship. We already talked about the fact that we can’t plan emotions. But what we can do is to plan romantic evenings, unusual dates, unexpected trips, provocative games and many other things that would make your lover have an unforgettable experience. And it will probably help you to break a routine from time to time too.
If you aren’t the spontaneous type, it is not a problem. You can always write a list of things you want to try with you partner and add notifications to your calendar. If you forget to do nice things to your girlfriend, do the same, stick to the plan. You can always choose the system that works for you. Building a relationship is not easy. It requires effort. But it also makes us happier. We share the most delightful moments with people we love. We can do unbelievable things for them. These people bring so much in our lives that it could not be described in one book. They love us. They support us. They make our days unforgettable. We let them in our lives and hearts and it changes our lives forever. And it is great that now you have a chance to let a new person in your life. Value it. Enjoy it. Live it.
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