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Depression is the common cold of mental disorders, most people will be affected by depression in their lives either directly or indirectly. This is the story of a 6 month old baby growing up without a father figure in her life and her growing up not wanting to be in this world anymore. But then realizes that he isn’t worth it, and you don’t have to be sad all the time.
When I was about six months when my father left me, he came in-and-out for almost two years. Him and my mom got married when i was 3 years old right before my mom had my little brother. When my mom had my little brother my father was there but about a year later he walked out. He went to a rodeo and didn’t come home. My mom found out he cheated on her so they split up but, he still had the right to see my brother and I. He came in and out of our lives so my mom had enough of that so she had a long talk with him. He had stop showing up, my brother was too little to know what was going on, or understand what happened, but i was heartbroken because I had him wrapped around my finger. I was sad but my mom never thought anything of it she just thought i’d grow out of it.
By the time I was 12 years old, my mom had me tested for depression and sure enough my results came back positive. I had to go to counseling to try and get over my father. I’ve gone through 3 counselors and I didn’t want to open up to them because everytime I get close to someone or open up to someone they always end up leaving so I didn’t really tell anyone how I felt. One of my counselors gave me a coping skill to where I had to write in a journal about my feelings and everything. I would always stay in my room and just write and write.
When I was 13 all friends starting talking about how their dads would take them places and do stuff with them, I just couldn’t take it anymore I had enough of being hurt and not being able to talk about my father because I knew nothing about him. I got home that day and i went to the bathroom with a razor and broke it to where I got the blade out, and I just started cutting, then i would hide my cuts with makeup. I cut for about a month straight and I had no more room to cut, so I would wait till they healed up and started cutting again. My mom found out I was cutting she took ever sharp object out of my room but I hide my razor blade. I told my mom I’d come to her if I ever felt the need to cut. But, I never went to her, so i waited about 2 months and I started again. My mom finally called a place so I could get help. She made me go to Vantage Point, I was there for 14 days, I really missed my family and everything I prayed to God they would let me go home earlier than that was planned. I got home and I apologized for everything and for my stupidity. I soon realized that it wasn’t my fault my father left it was his fault for leaving me. Then I just stopped caring about him and if he saw me or not because he lost his chance.
I was 14 when I realized that cutting myself didn’t help, all it was doing was hurting myself, and everyone around me. I also realized it wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life. I stopped caring about if my father saw me or not I was at the point where I just lost hope in him. I knew it wasn’t my fault he left me it was his own fault. I stopped talking to all the negative people that were in my life, and the one that kept bringing me down all the time. I threw my razor blade away and I have been cut clean for over 8 months now. I sit back and think about the future when I have kids I don’t want them to ask “mommy what are those scars from”, I don’t wanna break their hearts saying I use to cut myself. I would never be able to do that. Just sitting back thinking of all the other sinoas that could happen if I counited to cut myself. So I just stopped, yes it was hard but I got over the urge to cut.
Depression is not only a state of being sad, it is a disease that conquers the ability to feel emotion, whether good or bad, whatsoever. Depression not only involves the mind, it also involves the body and thoughts, depression can also take over some people lives no matter what the problem is, you just need to know how to deal with each problem you’re facing and not let it get you down.Depression isn’t a choice everyone deserves to be happy, it is okay not to be okay all the time. Nobody needs to be okay all the time because if you pretend to be okay all the time your not being yourself.
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