My Grades Don't Define Me

After I donated my blood for the first time and got my blood type results, it became a joke that I was an A+ down to the bone. Besides the fact that I have A positive blood, I strive each year to get as many A+s as possible in school. For the most part, I was able to be very successful in this endeavor even in honors and college-level classes. In retrospect, this goal turned out to be one of the worst decisions in my life. Over and over I heard the same saying that “grades and scores don’t define you”. Well, I let my grades define me and it was the worst mistake of my life. It even almost ended my life.

Logically I know that there is more to me than my academics, nevertheless I cannot shake the feeling that I must get perfect grades in order not to be a disappointment. I always told myself that I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. While this is partially true, I’ve come to realize that the pressure was coming from myself. I thought I had to fit everyone’s expectations when in actuality, I adopted those expectations as my own and insisted that I live up to them. Soon those expectations applied to every aspect of my life. Anxiety had consumed me and I felt like I couldn’t function if I wasn’t constantly accomplishing something. I kept taking on more and more responsibilities and pushing my limits. How much could I take? I got the answer the day I finally broke.

I was a fractured window that was banged on constantly until it shattered. My glass scattered all around me. All that was left was a cold, empty frame of someone I used to be. I don’t know exactly when it hit but soon I was absorbed by darkness: my depression. The anxiety was bad enough but with the depression too, it was a constant tug of war in my mind. Day after day was spent locked away from everyone in a chasm of loneliness. Nothing was enjoyable anymore and I wasn’t happy. I was never happy.

Where is the hope when there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Thoughts crept in that made me think that I wasn’t worth it and that ending my life would make the pain disappear. Some days I went too far and I scared everyone I love.

Of course, when life got tough, I was thrown another curveball. I wanted to be perfect mentally, socially and physically. I felt that I lost all control except for one thing: my body. I dove into a serious battle with an eating disorder, one that I am still fighting. I thought I could make myself good enough and if I took back control. Unfortunately, everything came together in a tornado of disaster. I even had to leave school for five weeks to go into a partial hospitalization program it got so bad.

Why I would tell you such a depressing story? Please don’t think I’m seeking pity. What I’ve learned is that even though it’s good to have large aspirations, there are limits. The world isn’t perfect and I shouldn’t expect myself to be either. Life gets tough, but I now know how to brush off the dust and stand back up and when everything is stacked against me, I can get out of my head and push back. The fact that I am able to write this essay is astounding because these were times that jeopardized my entire future. While many people highlight their achievements, I am emphasizing my struggles. I am not perfect and I won’t be perfect in college either especially since I hope to pursue engineering. These experiences have changed my perception and taught me the most important part of engineering: success in failure.