A Modest Proposal: How to End Global Warming

It is a melancholy object to those who have been unfortunate enough to inhabit this once great planet. These individuals, instead of searching for cooler, healthier planets, are forced to employ all of their resources and efforts when the inevitable is coming. Global warming is encroaching.

This harmful environmental phenomenon caused by abundant amounts of air pollution and irresponsible use of natural resources, gradually will cause the climate to morph into an untamable beast that manifests itself in extreme weather as well as the disturbance of animal migration patterns.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the inordinate and harrowing occurrence of global warming is, in the present, a deplorable state. As this is a very disconcerting issue, it would seem in order that one capable of delaying our planet’s ultimate doom is quite deserving of an award that upholds his honor as a preserver of the nation.

I shall now humbly present my own thoughts on the matter.

I propose that we abstain from any such action that is to be considered, even by the slightest degree, unsustainable. Thus, it would seem fitting to refrain from the use of all forms of electricity. Our society shall be rendered quaint in nature. We shall be transported to an era in which we shall rely on source that do not, by any means, require the usage of energy. Essentially, we shall be living 19th century lifestyles in a 21st century landscape.

I have already computed the risk factors posited in this scenario, and I believe that it is in our best interest to refrain from the usage of such forms. We, as humans, simply have no use for electricity. The people will learn to live without cellular devices, various utilities, and other objects that require the need of power and/or other forms of electric energy.

Another concern that will prove to be important in the preservation of our planet will be in the department of automobiles. Vehicles of transportation must be eradicated immediately. The removal of them shall bring about a plummet in harmful gasses. Walking shall prove sufficient; we must begin to walk and bike from place to place. Whether it be from one block to another, or even across the country, we shall do it in order to preserve our planet. Our planet will ultimately benefit from this; regardless of its repercussions on ourselves, our immediate concern must be the health of our wonderful planet.

With the loss of mass transportation, foodstuffs will be unable to be delivered to stores, homes, et. cetera. We shall resort to our original mode of finding food; hunting and gathering. Civilization will begin to regress to its original state. We must begin to forage for food, regardless of its stresses on the human race in terms of progress and efficiency. Farming will become the primary mode of food consumption. The planet will start healing itself as a result of man’s newly-found respect for the planet.

I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the slightest doubt that with these changes, we can bring about the end of global warming.