A Story of My First Love in College

There’s a song that young children are taught. My mother sung it to me and I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t heard it. “You are my sunshine.” While this is a cute song for kids, it has a deep meaning if you’ve ever had a relationship like this one. I don’t know how or when I had fallen in love with him, but

When I first met him, John and I got along great. It was my freshman year and I had joined my town’s police Explorer Post. It was raining and our second meeting, we were going to the outdoor shooting range in town to clean up brass and debris. I felt easy around John. There was no tension like there was between all of the other guys. All the other boys were of rank, had a stick up their ass or both. He was so easy going, he laughed easily and smiled constantly. He had the funniest laugh.

Our friendship started and as far back as I can remember, we were friends. In school, we had a similar group of friends. I never really thought of John as anything more than a brother at most. He was best friends with my friend Ricky who I had a huge crush on. John loved cars and being a boy when driving. He loved to speed, to go off roading, just break the rules if he could. I’ve always been a stick in the mud about following rules and laws as my passion lied with law enforcement. I never felt unsafe, though. It was almost fun when John did it and we never got caught, even though I did give him hell for a lot of the crap he did and our Exploring advisor knew. John never did anything to hurt me.

In the summer of 2012, John invited all of the Explorers to spend time up at Lake Winnipesaukee where his step father, a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces had a summer house in a section of the resort where only veterans and their families were admitted. I was the only one that took John up on his offer. I left work that Friday, prepared to take money out of my bank account and was excited. As I wasn’t licensed, my mother drove me from Weare up to Laconia.

When John and I arrived at the house, he offered his bed to me and he said he’d sleep on the floor in the next room. I remember thinking to myself how sweet it was that he was doing that. No man ever showed that type of consideration for me (aside from my father and male members of my family). That first night, I remember wanting to be with him that night. Lying next to him. Not anything intimate, just lying there, talking in the dark. I still want that to this day.

We went the next day to the beach and the waters were beautiful and crystal clear. Of course, I burned and John helped me later on by helping me put aloe on my back. We had brought folding camping chairs to the beach and he showed me to a place where the swimmers didn’t go because it was near where the boats launched. We sat there in our chairs. I looked over at him, he was wearing sunglasses and observing the boats passing and I really took him in. His tanned skin, his tight jaw line, the way he sat in his chair. He was a man, relaxed but proud and alert. I was so content sitting there in the water with one of my very best friends next to me. I felt that I could tell this man anything and he would accept it and it would only add to my character.

Later that night, we went to the drive in theater and saw the movie “TED” which was something we were both dying to see given that we both loved “Family Guy.” There were two movies showing. I didn’t much care for the first one, I think it was “Neighborhood Watch.” It had two things I hated, Vince Vaughn and aliens. I remember John telling me about how he was having relations with our friend Ricky’s fiancée, Chantel. I had excused myself and headed to the bathroom and cried. I didn’t understand why I was so upset. This was his business, however, having had feelings for Rick in the past and being pissed off at Chantel, I told Ricky. Looking back, a part of me was very disturbed and angry with John. Turns out, John had already spoken to Rick and they had worked it out. I’m surprised John wasn’t dead, Rick was an aspiring Marine and he was already built like one.

I told John of my feelings about it and he apologized to me. As if he had betrayed me in some way. I didn’t feel betrayed, he wasn’t my boyfriend, I was just disappointed. We spoke about it and, during the movie, he had actually held my hand. I thought nothing of it because I held many peoples’ hands out of support and that’s what I thought he was doing.

The next day, we went to the board walk and played the arcade games. John had another friend coming whose name was Tim. I had never met him and I asked John if he wanted time alone to be with Tim. He said that he wanted Tim and me to meet. Tim and I got along fine, he was a nice boy. We decided to go to another arcade up the road a ways. John and Tim were having a blast and I felt a little third wheeled and bored so I left. I remember feeling really rebellious leaving because I was 17 years old at the time and was still expected to ask permission to leave or do anything. I was walking across the bridge and looking below at where John and I had sat in the water when I received a text message asking where I was. It was from John. I told him and he told me to stay there. When him and Tim arrived, I explained why I left and they both apologized. I told them it was no big deal, they were two friends who didn’t see each other often. We all decided to head down to the beach that was now empty and the moon was out over the water. We actually played in the water. John and I splashed each other and Tim came in and joined. We sat in the sand and I remember the unimaginable bliss and happiness I felt. Nothing existed but John, Tim and me. Unfortunately, that was only one weekend.

Later that year, John had had a fight with his parents and left the house and drove to Hampton Beach. It was already cold out, towards the end of winter. He was texting me, it was late at night. I typed that I wish I was there with him, I wasn’t typing it to make conversation, I truly meant it. I wanted to be there and hug him and shiver in the cold breeze with him. He replied saying that he wish I was, too but said that my parents may not have been found of a boy taking their 17 year old daughter so far away for so long.

This was the buildup. Looking back, I really wish I had taken the chance and been with him. I was close, too… Then John decided to start working with a convicted felon. Said felon was a nice man and I can’t remember his charges but, as an Explorer, John shouldn’t have been associated with him. We all warned him and that’s what hurts the most. All the officers, all the cadets, we all warned him that he was making a bad decision by being around this man. Finally, my advisor made the decision to tell John it was either the Post or his Felon Friend. He stood by his Felon Friend and it pains me to this day.

John asked me to choose. In my wiring, as my morals and ethics are, I hold a firm belief that a true friend would never make you choose between them and another. My advisors, the officers and my cadets never swayed me. They wanted what would make me happy. I loved my Post, my department (as messed up as it is) and my cadets. But, GOD, did I love John. I chose my way of life. I chose right because, about a month later, John was arrested and charged for a felony offense.

My best friend heard of this and immediately sought me out to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine and I was. However, it didn’t hit me until I was alone thinking about it. I called her and she came over and watched me cry harder than I ever had. It was about him. I, the tomboy, anti girly girl cried over a man. He was my everything. He was my sunshine, he made me happy when my skies were gray, he’ll never know just how much I love him but he took himself away from me.