Book Review on ‘don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No’ by Dr. Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer

My book review is on ‘Don’t say yes when you want to say no’, by Dr. Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer. In, this book, the author bases his arguments in the importance of assertiveness for achieving one’s goals and for personal satisfaction as well. The book is more of a workbook that guides the reader in assertiveness techniques so that they can improve various areas of their life such as work, friendships and relationships. The book also helps bring about significant positive changes in one’s behaviour by employing the assertiveness techniques on the self.

Thesis Statement: ‘Don’t say yes when you want to say no’ helps in bringing about a positive change in one’s behaviour because it discusses various techniques of assertiveness that help the reader to attain goals, stand up for themselves and change unwanted habits without coming off as pushy or aggressive.

The book is based on assertiveness training, a specialization of the behaviour therapy, which aims to assist people stand up for themselves, while maintaining a balance between passiveness and aggressiveness.

The purpose of the book is to bring about a change in the reader’s life and help them communicate their thoughts, feelings and needs in a positive manner, and bring about changes in their unwanted behaviour patterns as well. The author achieves the purposeof the book by giving examples of several visualization techniques, that can later be employed in a hierarchical manner so that one can come out of his shell and make progress. For changing behaviour, the author lays emphasis on the thoughts or situations that accompany the behaviour, then helps the reader control these thoughts, and bring about changes in the situation leading to the unwanted behaviour. Thus, the author achieves the purpose of the book i.e bringing about positive changes in one’s behaviour using assertiveness training.

As mentioned above, the author uses several assertiveness training techniques to bring about changes within the individual himself, that will lead to positive changes in various areas of his life.

The author argues that change in behaviour patterns can bring about change in the thoughts as well as the perception an individual has of himself. The author also repeatedly mentions that these behaviours may seem artificial or forced in the beginning, but are very essential if a change is required.

Before explaining the various assertiveness techniques, the author asks the reader to recognize what kind of assertiveness problems they face currently- whether it is an inability to communicate well with others, or being a pushover so as to earn the ‘respect’ of others. Based on this, the reader is asked to think about what kind of changes he would like to make, thus helping him establish his assertiveness goals.

The author presents several case studies in the book wherein he discusses several clients with assertiveness problems. Treatment involves identifying the problem, identifying the cause of the problem, developing a list of goals to be achieved. The various treatment methods used in therapeutic sessions are role-play, visualization techniques, thought stopping, relaxation techniques and systematic desensitization.

Role Play: Often, the therapist (theauthor), engages in role-play with his clients, so that they are better prepared to face their situations. In role play, the client acts out a situation that he has certain problems with, and the therapist assists the client by offering emotional support. This helps the client gain insight into the situation.

Visualization techniques: The therapist helps the client imagine himself in certain situations in his life. The situation is recreated using the imagination of the client and the therapist. This is done to examine the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of the client that occur in such situations.

Thought Stopping: This is a method of cognitive psychology wherein unwanted thoughts such as worries and obsessions can be controlled by saying the word ‘stop’ aloud whenever these thoughts occur. Another method includes punishment, wherein the client punishes himself by casuing him pain (like inducing mild electrical shocks) whenever the unwanted thoughts occur.

Systematic Desensitization: This method includes identifying the source of anxiety, then developing a hierarchy of goals to help the client face his fears one step at a time.

Relaxation Techniques: They are any methods or procedures that help a person attain a state of calmness, and reduce levels of anxiety, stress or aggression.

The author also discusses how assertiveness training techniques can be used to bring about changes in one’s behaviour, attain control over unwanted thoughts and help in dealing with depression.

Throughout the book, the author explains how this method is in contrast to Sigmond Freud’s Psychoanalysis, and how it can be beneficial to bring about changes in behaviour when compared to Psychoanalysis.

Strengths of the book:

The book presents various scenarios in everyday life, where the techniques discussed can be applied. Each scenario is presented in the form of case studies, wherein the author talks about his clients with problems of assertiveness in different areas of their lives, ranging from marriage to profession. The treatment of the clients is also discussed in great detail. The book also contains exercises in assertiveness training techniques for the reader and hence works as a workbook as well. Thus, the book is helpful to people facing problems in different spheres in their lives.

Weaknesses of the book:

The author’s views on ‘treating’ homosexual people is questionable. The author tries to alter the sexuality of people by making them act and dress according to the traditional gender roles they are expected to play. In some cases, the author even talks about engaging in intimacy with prostitutes so as to have experience in that area, and thus subscribe to the typical behaviour of the gender that is expected. However, it has to be kept in mind that when the book was published, the society was not accepting of the LGBTQ community as it is now.

Conclusion: The book is very helpful and of practical relevance to certain issues the readers face. The case studies with treatments discussed in detail are also very useful. The author also suggests certain exercises to the reader to apply in different areas of their lives.

The only drawback of the book was the author’s views and treatment of homosexual people. It is unfortunate that a person’s sexual orientation is thought of as a ‘deviant condition’ that ought to be ‘treated.’

Other than that, the book is very well written. There are several illustrations in the form of flow charts that explain the cycle of the occurance of certain behaviours. This helps the reader gain a better understanding of what the author is trying to convey. The book is very helpful to anyone who wishes to assert themselves more to reach their goals. From the perspective of Psychology, it is of great help to the student of behavioural and cognitive psychology who wishes to understand the factors that maintan certain unwanted behaviours and the steps involved in altering these behaviours so that they become desirable.