Death of a Loved One: Coping with Loss and Healing

Introduction

Life is filled with many reoccurring implications, that we continuously seek answers to in the guided question of why? As the days become shorter, I find myself thinking about the many elements within this world. Throughout my 18 years of life, I have been subjected to countless events. I have encountered a treacherous journey which involved moments of despair and hopelessness. Significantly, I have witnessed an infinite number of my relatives leave this earth and pieces of myself slowly vanish away with them, struck with grief that even years later still haunts me. For many the death of a loved one can be a difficult thing to comprehend. Often, individuals can use an experience like the death of a loved one as a chance to redefine their own life, while transforming their perspective on how they experience life. The idea of death has always been a reoccurring subject within my own life, since the age of 6 years old. I believe that many humans can analyze the idea of death as frightening, terrifying and an undeniable subject. However, the reality is that a human being consists of being born into this world and faces the challenge of death, as a part of our life’s journey which then becomes a shadow inflicted upon us forever.

The Tragic Death of a Loved One

Initially, an adolescence I consistently perceived death as temporary and reversible, a belief that was reinforced by cartoon characters who had died and come to life again. As a result, this miraculous belief would never be the case for my father a healthy 53-year-old man, who collapsed at work on Boxing Day, 2008 and was immediately transported to the hospital. After various tests, he had two MRI scans which revealed a tiny brain mass and underwent an emergency brain surgery the next morning. Approximately, one week later a phone call advised him to report to Princess Margaret Hospital, where the biopsy results revealed that my father had a Stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumour. Thus, this Primary brain tumour is recognised as the most aggressive, invasive form of cancer, in which many individuals including my father only live a survival rate of 9-12 months. When reflecting on this experience I believe that it has had a negative bearing on my life, due to the series of events that occurred. The last month of my father’s life, one of his female co-worker’s arranged for his illegal discharge from hospital without proper legal authority or consent. Within hours of my father leaving the hospital, Community care contacted my mother about the release and despite numerous attempts to have my father removed from this individual’s control and private residence, the authorities, Public Guardian and Trustee failed to act. We were prevented from having any knowledge or contact about my father’s well- being, as this was all part of an elaborate scheme to defraud my father’s estate. This co-worker continued to misrepresent herself, without any proper legal authority. Without his knowledge or ours, my father was isolated and confined to his co-worker’s residence due to being bed bound, unable to walk, and loss of ability to speak. He was in the dominance of his co-worker and her family, at the end stages of life. My father died in a Toronto Hospital and his burial occurred the very next day and we were never informed. This denied us our right and privilege of attending his funeral and saying goodbye which has left my mother and me with a void of any sense of closure.

Through analyzing this experience there are many unjust components that I now view differently from when I was a child. In pursuit of a government death benefit, a monumental stone was placed at my dad’s grave once again denying us the privilege to record his name correctly and place apt wording. My father died without knowing that a fraudulent document of a ‘Last Will and Testament’ had been executed, two months before his death. Three lawyers facilitated the estate fraud, one drafted the fraudulent will, another severed our house title, another falsely commissioned documents. A judge finally declared the fraudulent document ‘null and void’ an appointed my mother the only legally appointed ‘estate trustee’ 4 years later. Despite, my mother being the winning party and due to filing the law suit, the judge ordered my mother to pay the defendant’s legal fees of $50,000 by September 2022. The defendant had no monies to pay my mother’s legal fees, but because our home was returned to us, it seems that we end up paying for our own robbery.

Coping Mechanisms After Death

These circumstances have imposed hardships, limitations and sacrifices, but I have grown immensely due to this experience. Coping mechanisms such as writing have played such a vital role in how to express my emotions effectively. Writing has become the journey towards acceptance, as well as allowing myself to express my grief experience and gain an awareness of the loss itself. For many years I have struggled to comprehend the death of my father, due to the denial of dreaming the event as an illusion, something that was not real, as I never had the chance to say goodbye. However, this mechanism has aided in reflection, a way to explore and discover my own thoughts and feelings. Writing has mainly been an endless process of yielding to new ideas and thoughts that could be expressed through words leading to clarification and understanding of certain situations including death. This creative outlet has continuously encouraged me to incorporate events based solely within my own life when writing poems, short stories and many more. For instance, my children’s book incorporated the challenge of losing my father to the treacherous illness of brain cancer around Christmas time. Notably, This book was a way that I could portray my feelings in a place where I felt safe, comfortable and could communicate effectively. Nevertheless, I believed that not only could this story assist in my gradual grieving process, but also help many other children that were attempting to cope with their loss of a loved one at such a young age, as well.

As I learn to fully understand the premeditated financial greed surrounding my father’s estate fraud, the outcome of this event can be displayed as unjust, through the agonizing trauma that has been inflicted on both my mother and I, the innocent parties. I ask myself many questions, as to how such individuals could get away with such criminal acts, let alone organize a funeral without notifying his immediate family, as well as the installation of a monumental stone. In many ways I reflect on these critical four years as the ultimate transformation of my life, a family who had always been together, never apart, denied from closure, and left with an ongoing legal dispute. Yet, the negative impacts within this experience taught me to acquire mature qualities at such a young age. In many ways, I have learned to advocate for myself, as well as others within my life. Thus, this event has led to the endless questions that provoke my mind, as to why such things happen and the results that follow.

Conclusion

Overall, the components of death and actions that have followed within my life have taught me that my many obstacles and encounters are merely the process of life, through situations that we all experience. There are many days that I wish for the opportunity to call my father and tell him what is happening in my life. As well as, explain to him how I have grown from that eight-year-old girl that he once saw and let him know that I achieved something for myself. I managed to find peace and joy from the wonderful outlet of writing. Although, nine years later, I am still learning to live with the idea of death itself, not something to fear rather as a life lesson. Thus, the concept of death merely conveys a message to every individual including myself that my time on earth is not entirely set in stone and to cherish the living, while they are living.