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Healthy ways to get through a relationship breakup
Relationships and breakups are a major cause of heartache and unhappiness in everyone’s life. Because if you haven’t encountered a breakup it’s something that can happen. It’s been said over and over again that time heals all wounds, but if we live it for time to heal our heartache, we will remain closed off for so long and many instances of real love would pass us by.
So how you can deal with a relationship heartache?
Friends of Bill W. Say that acceptance heals, this is because one has moved passed the defense mechanism of denial which is common in being human.
The acceptance of being dumped or dumping someone, opens up your mind to healing because then you would have admitted to yourself and you will be in a position to accept help from a third party.
I read a book by Yalom Irvin of a lady who had an affair with a younger man for a period of 27 days and then it ended.
8 years down the line and the woman was still stuck on the affair. She had contemplated suicide several times and attempted it once.
Acceptance opens you to a world of forgiveness both of self and the other person so that you are not stuck in the relationship which has ended, and when you get into another relationship you don’t carry old grudges.
2. Avoid pointing fingers
It’s a bias that most of us engage in. We generally ascribe the positive to ourselves and the negative to the other person.
Being in a relationship breakup and having this attitude will block you from seeing your role in the breakup, it’ll prevent you from owning up to the small or big role you played.
This makes people carry around hate which robes you off your peace and freedom because every time you think about what he/she did to me.
Whenever you see them hate boils in your heart robbing you the power to be happy and enjoy your moment.
3. Let the person go
Holding on to memories and repertoire of the past robs you off the peace to be in the moment and enjoy the present company.
You can let the person go through engaging in things that excite you despite the absence of the other person.
Wherever the thought of the other person arises you can let it wash away without making you emotional by use some thought stopping techniques, sharing it out etc.
4. Take 5
It’s a relational catastrophe when people from a breakup, immediately to help them cope they get into another relationship.
This causes a person to lose a sense of self and instead of having my goals, plans etc. it’s our goals, our achievements.
Taking time to get in contact with yourself after a breakup helps one to realize themselves. You cannot serve from an empty well get time to love thyself first and then you will be able to love another unconditional.
5. Avoid giving in to the pressure
After a breakup one may be pressured by others and by their own bodies to seek a quick fix by getting in bed with the guy at the bar, the lady at the waiting area, and this may make one feel better momentarily but it’s only a hack.
Reaching a point of healing means that you give your heart space to do so. This can be done by not giving in to the pressure. Your ability to handle the pressure well will determine how fast you heal.
6. Look on the positive
One of the hardest things to do in a stressful situation is to look at the positive. Because all of you would be screaming pain and you wouldn’t see the good in any situation.
But when one relationship door is closed another is opened, focusing on the closed one too much makes you not see the other.
In every relationship breakup, no matter how bad you can choose to see the positive.
They say sometimes, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, or it’s better to break a relationship than a marriage, so pick yourself up and see the good for whosoever searches finds the positive.
7. Speak to someone about it
Catharsis is reaching an emotional healing through sharing out your feelings does not come easy unless one opens up to another honestly sharing his feelings thoughts and emotions about the baggage.
Through this one gets an emotional healing. You can cry if you want, or share with another person that understands you and not one that would put salt in the wound by sharing out your troubles.
Sharing your emotional upheavals caused by relationship is key thing in healing and growth.
8. Work on yourself
More often than not we get into relationships with our own unfinished businesses. We get into relationships and demand more than others can provide we go with standards which we would expect the other party to conform to.
If one has preconceived notions of how one ought to be treated by the other partner may be from a previous relationship or from a discussion with his buddies or girls then they have a standard in their own mind of what to expect and if this is not met then begins trouble. As Buddha said desires bring pain.
Work on yourself to deserve the partner that comes and this does not stop when they come, it should be a continuous effort working on self to be deserving of your partner.
As humans we are built to protect ourselves from any uncormfort that we may encounter so to protect ourselves from relationship breakup, we may decide to never trust others completely.
To approach any person with so much caution they’ll detect it and realize that it’s a facade you are putting when being with them. Don’t trust by all means but at least after healing trust a little.
10. Make amends
This helps in removing the other person from your grudge list. Grudges may make us do a thing that may make us hate ourselves latter and instead of healing, you would make the situation worse.
Written by Gilead Mwazala a psychologist at breakthrough wholistic counselling centre.
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