Living in Depression: a Firsthand Account

When people hear about Depression, they tend to think of it as sadness. They think that a depressed person necessarily needs to have a sad face at all times. People think that depression is just another feeling and it will go away just as easily. They are wrong. Depression isn't sadness. Depression is far from it. A depressed person would be willing to trade a lot just to feel the pain of sadness or the richness of sorrow. Depression is a place you live in. It is a place in your head where nothing can come in, and the only thing that can remain inside is you. Living with depression is like playing the guitar with muted strings. You can play all you want, but the music won't come. It is a world in black and white. Full of flavor which you can't taste and music you can't hear. Depression is more than sadness. A person in depression would be lucky to be able to feel sad.

Depression is akin to living inside a world of numbness. Things can stimulate you all they want. You can have all the fun that you want, but things are never felt at the core. The entire stimulus in the world fails to stimulate your heart and reach all the way inside. Your emotions wish to fly, but they're chained to a ball, weighed and dragged down by some unknown entity. Yet they try to fly, but soon grow tired and fall back down to the ground. No matter how deep or heartfelt your feeling or emotion, there is always something weighing down on your chest, occupying the center of your heart. It is the devil inside your brain keeping things from reaching your center, keeping things from spreading out in you, restraining influence and eating you from the inside second after second. YOU WANT TO FEEL but you cannot find the energy for it. Depression has taken away all the energy and emotion out from inside of you and along with it, all your will to live, or do anything else otherwise. You're just too tired to live, waiting for your energy to come back to you, except it never does. It has left you for good.

There are two faces of depression. One is the crippling numbness that plagues you and constantly keeps you from getting satisfaction. While the first face may keep things forever just out of your reach, the second face is the devil in disguise. The second face of depression gives you something to feel. But the only thing which you can feel is Anxiety. You can almost hear a voice inside your head commanding you to do something. You want to feel something, but once you do feel the anxiety, you are forced to rush back into your cave of attenuated emotions. If you don't the restlessness and the constant urge to do something will eat you up from the inside. Anxiety is not simply uncomfortable. It is the strong urging desire to run away immediately without anything in sight. It is one of those things which you're better off not feeling at all in the first place. You have an impatient desire to have something immediately even though you have nothing that you want. DO IT! It screams in your head, but you have no clue what to do while you melt from the inside. Such is the hand that deals depression. It keeps things from you, teasing you with them but never giving them to you all the same. And the only thing it does give you is a burning hot coal, something which you don't want to keep. Even if you do dare to stay inside your storm of anxiety, you still don't know what you want for depression has also rid you of your will and your hope. And feeling a desperate want for something without knowing what it is, is the next thing to insanity.

People usually imagine Depression as a phase of sadness. But sadness seldom has anything to do with it. Depression is the nameless, faceless one. You can never tell who suffers from Depression and who does not. Only the ones who suffer from it can tell. A person with depression appears exactly the same as a normal, healthy person on the outside. Even though he cannot feel much, he can still feel an inkling of an emotion, and that is enough to trigger a response: at his own pleasure, of course. But pleasure is something from fantasy in a world where everything feels numb. It is only natural at this stage that people turn towards other things which can make them feel. Sometimes these things can even be deadly, but at least it's better than living in a world where nothing is meant for you. Dealing with depression can start off with Alcohol abuse. Alcohol is a depressant and it can make you sad. I used to be an alcoholic for a short time because it was the only thing that could make me cry and feel sorrow. One may upgrade to heavier substances like Weed, LSD, Cocaine, Morphine and so on. All of them give you a break from reality and set your mind to a world of illusion where you can finally find what you're seeking. They can show you a good time while making sure that you become their slaves.

Others turn towards self-harm. Depression also takes out all of your feelings, including the fear of pain, or losing your life. Suddenly, the idea of hurting yourself starts to seem appealing because at least that's a guaranteed way to feel something even though it may not be good for you. But being able to feel something is much better than living on indefinitely and not having felt a thing despite the heavy cost to digging into your own skin with a burning cigarette or cutting into your flesh to watch yourself slowly bleed out. At least it gives you a temporary feeling of pain where something is much better than nothing.

And for the rest of them, when nothing works and you simply cannot tolerate it anymore, there is only one way out. The way to end it all. Just hang yourself, or jump off a bridge. Yes, that might kill you, but living a life where you cannot feel a thing is a much worse way to die than taking things into your own hands, and finally being able to control something for the first time in a while. Even if that something may be your life itself and you're being incredibly reckless with it. There shall be nothing to crave if there is no you, to begin with.

Depression is far from sadness. Depression is a world of numbness that surrounds you like a shield protecting you from all emotions and feelings, including the ones that are keeping you alive. It rids you of everything including your hope and your will and occasionally gives you a dose of anxiety just to keep things interesting for a laugh. You keep tolerating, waiting for that day to arrive where you can feel once again, but that day never comes. You start to eventually take things into your own hands, slowly and slowly and turn towards substance abuse, and self-harm. And in the end, when nothing works any more, there is but only one thing left to do: Take a shortcut to the end.