What is a Depression?

First off, let me just let you guys know that depression is not just being sad all the time. It is worse than that. People who don’t suffer from this will obviously not understand. It’s different for everyone. I’ve been suffering from depression all my life, ever since I could remember. All my life I’ve been wondering why I feel so different from everyone else. I tend to be more sad than I am happy. Depression isn’t something that I can get rid of easily, it’s not something that I want to feel. To me, it just feels like a rock is crushing my heart and it doesn’t have the strength to get back up. I feels very heavy and it’s hard to live with that. It just feels like something is grabbing on to it and it won’t let you have it back. Slowly and slowly, it starts draining your life away. I’ve coped with it for my whole life without actually realizing it until 3 years ago. I always thought it was a natural thing. Apparently, it wasn’t.

I feel like I have no purpose in life and nothing really satisfies me. I feel as if I am in jail watching all my friends have fun. I can’t find anything that really interests me, I lose hope too quickly. Last year is when it started getting worse. I couldn’t smile as much anymore and I usually going to sleep whenever I can. I started getting bad sleeping habits and eventually my eating habits started to get bad. Whenever I eat, it just feels like a burden to me and then I just lose my appetite. I feel very socially isolated whenever I’m around my friends, although I try my best to hide it.

I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to go through depression, but it’s something that I have to deal with it until something happens to me.

I think about suiciding a lot. I know that a lot of people will think I’m crazy or paranoid, but again, people that don’t suffer from depression won’t truly understand how it feels. I just feel like I don’t want to live anymore and that I don’t want to go through anymore of this. I really really hate this feeling and I don’t want to deal with it.

It sucks that no matter how hard anyone tries to help me with this, in the end it won’t work. It is so hard to explain the feelings that I have. No one will ever understand. No one can help me with this. The medications that I’ve been taking for over a year now won’t even help me. If that doesn’t work then what will? I would often look outside my window and admire how peaceful it is. I am jealous of the people that can really admire nature and life. I wish that it could’ve been the same for me.