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About this sample
About this sample
Words: 462 |
Page: 1|
3 min read
Published: May 19, 2020
Words: 462|Page: 1|3 min read
Published: May 19, 2020
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I really did not know what to write about, but I was reminded this morning as I stopped to fuel the car up, of one of my most embarrassing moments since I moved back “home”.The sentence is a bit clunky and could be rewritten to be more concise, such as "I wasn't sure what to write about until this morning, when a memory of one of my most embarrassing moments came back to me." Additionally, the phrase "since I moved back 'home'" is a bit confusing without context, and could be clarified with a brief explanation. It was an early morning and I was off to drop my lady at work. I had only jumped out to get some milk and since I had chosen a time when all the convenience stores were closed, I had to go into the gas station to buy some.The phrase "since I had chosen a time" could be rewritten as "because I had chosen a time." After leaving the gas station, I jumped into the car and instantly felt there was something was off.The sentence is repetitive and could be condensed to "After leaving the gas station, I immediately felt something was off." A lady’s voice said, “Hello there”. From I heard the voice, it convinced me that something wasn’t right.The sentence should be rewritten as "As soon as I heard the voice, I knew something wasn't right." But for some reason my instant reaction was to sit quietly behind the wheel of the car and pretend it was all a dream.The phrase could be simplified as "My initial reaction was to sit quietly and pretend it was a dream." The moment felt like hours, although I knew it was only for a few seconds.
Finally, I looked to my right and there sat a really smiley lady with a distinct look of “yeah umm, why you in my car?The phrase "there sat a really smiley lady" is a bit awkward and could be rewritten as "a lady with a big smile." ? But also with a smirk as if she was trying to hold in a laugh. I said quietly under my breathe, “Hi. I’m in the wrong car aren’t I? ” I confirmed this when I looked to the car to my left and my lady friend was sitting staring at me with the window down. When we caught eyes both of us burst into laughter. I turned back to the lady and said “At least tell me it’s the same model and color of my car”, I pleaded with the lady who by now was really struggling not to become hysterical with laughter.The phrase "I turned back to the lady" is a bit repetitive and could be changed to "I turned to her." I think now is the time for me to add that I was wearing my pajama bottoms. I got out of the car and stood back to see that I had in fact got into a red Infiniti G37, which was parked next to my grey Honda accord.
What made the moment even more embarrassing was that her sister came at the same time I was getting out of the car.The sentence could be simplified to "To make things worse, her sister arrived just as I was getting out of the car." She immediately caught on and was helpless with laughter I thought things couldn’t get any worse until I spotted all the gas station staff had witnessed the whole event and were also enjoying my embarrassment to the full. Never has a walk to my car felt so long and was only a few steps away.The sentence should be rewritten as "I've never felt a short walk to my car so long." The walk of shame has no limits and does not discriminate.The phrase is a bit dramatic and could be changed to "It was a walk of shame that anyone could relate to." I only wanted some milk for my cereal. It was supposed to be a quick in and out and no-one would notice the PJ’s, since it was still dark.The sentence could be simplified as "I thought it would be a quick trip, and no one would notice my Superman pajamas in the dark." The worst part? They were Superman pajamas… I was 26.
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