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The Time My Uncle Died

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About this sample

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Human-Written

Words: 624 |

Page: 1|

4 min read

Published: Nov 26, 2019

Essay grade:
Satisfactory
arrow downward Read Review

Words: 624|Page: 1|4 min read

Published: Nov 26, 2019

Essay grade:
Satisfactory
arrow downward Read Review

One Day my mom sat me down, Once she did I knew what had happened. This past year, my uncle had been struggling with cancerous tumors. He had finally stopped getting the tumors for a couple months. The first tumor he had gotten was in his eye. Later on, after some tests the doctors had said that is was a cancerous tumor, so he had to get his eye removed. It took a month to actually get the new eye. First, they took the eye out, then they had to put in a marble type thing so they could get everything that connected to his eye to form around the marble. Next, they had to put in a fake eye.

Almost a year went by, and it was somewhere around Thanksgiving. He was looking very pale, my aunt told my mom, that he was not feeling well. But we all just assumed that he was getting a cold, so we ended up not worrying about it. So we just continued our normal Thanksgiving activities. Once it was late we all went to our house’s. The Next day my mom got a phone call, it was from my aunt and she said to get everyone by the phone so she got everyone. My aunt had to tell us some bad news. “Dave is in the hospital. ” My aunt Natalie said. “What for?” Said, my mom. “He is in a lot of pain,” Said Natalie. “Do you want us to drive down there?” My mom said. “I don’t think you have too. But I will keep you updated. ”“Alright,” My mom Said. The next few days we spent together, bags packed and ready to go if something happened to Dave. Later that night we got a phone call. This is how the phone call went. “Hi,” Natalie said. “Hi, what's up?” my mom said“So, the doctors just figured out that dave only has about a month to live because his liver is failing. ” Said, Natalie,“So should we come down there?”“He is okay right now but it is late maybe come on Saturday so you don’t have to miss any work,” Natalie said. “Okay, we will come tomorrow. ”The next day we basically woke up and went to school. It was a very hard day to be at school because all I could think about was is he okay and how long will be live. I survived the day without crying but I also wanted to just leave school and go see him. We ended up not leaving Saturday and left Sunday.

Once we got to the Manchester hospital, we were rushing in to find my aunt waiting by the door to show us where his room was. Once we got there I did not go into the room right away. There was actually a separate waiting room right out of his room, so we were all sitting in that room. Trying to be as positive as we could. After about 20 minutes of just waiting in the waiting room, we all went into Dave's room. We sat there wondering if he will be okay, or if he will not be. After a couple hours of being at the hospital, we went home because we had school the next day. The Next day I thought it was just a normal day. But it was not, as I was getting ready for school my mom said,“Hi, Can I talk to you please”When she said this I knew what had happened. “Sure,” I said“Dave Passed away around 10:30 last night” After this had happened I still had to go to the school that day but I survived, that day seemed like the longest day of my life.

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This essay was graded by
Dr. Oliver Johnson
Essay’s grade:
Satisfactory
What’s grading
minus plus
Expert Review
Based on the criteria given, the essay would receive a grade of C. Although the essay has a clear focus on the experience of the author's uncle's death, the organization of the essay lacks coherence and structure. The sentence structure is repetitive and could use more variety, and the grammar needs improvement, as there are several errors throughout the essay. The voice of the essay lacks emotion and depth, which could have been used to enhance the impact of the author's experience.
minus plus
What can be improved
The essay, "The Time My Uncle Died," focuses on the experience of the author's uncle's death. However, the organization of the essay lacks coherence and structure, making it difficult to follow the events in a chronological order. For example, the author mentions their uncle's cancerous tumor and subsequent treatment, but then jumps to Thanksgiving and the uncle's declining health. This lack of chronological order can be confusing for the reader and makes it challenging to follow the events of the story. The sentence structure of the essay is repetitive, making the essay less interesting to read. Many of the sentences begin with "He had" or "We did," which makes the essay sound choppy and lacking in variety. Using a wider range of sentence structures would make the essay more engaging to the reader. The grammar of the essay needs improvement, as there are several errors throughout the text. For example, the author writes, "He had finally stopped getting the tumors for a couple months," which should be written as, "He had finally stopped getting tumors for a couple of months." The author also writes, "So we just continued our normal Thanksgiving activities," which should be written as, "So we just continued with our normal Thanksgiving activities." These errors detract from the overall quality of the essay. The voice of the essay lacks emotion and depth, which could have been used to enhance the impact of the author's experience. Although the author writes about their uncle's death, the essay does not convey the author's emotions or feelings surrounding the event. Using more descriptive language and imagery could help the reader better understand the impact of the uncle's death on the author. Overall, the essay has potential, but could use improvement in terms of organization, sentence structure, grammar, and voice.

Cite this Essay

The Time My Uncle Died. (2019, November 26). GradesFixer. Retrieved November 19, 2024, from https://gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/the-time-my-uncle-died/
“The Time My Uncle Died.” GradesFixer, 26 Nov. 2019, gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/the-time-my-uncle-died/
The Time My Uncle Died. [online]. Available at: <https://gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/the-time-my-uncle-died/> [Accessed 19 Nov. 2024].
The Time My Uncle Died [Internet]. GradesFixer. 2019 Nov 26 [cited 2024 Nov 19]. Available from: https://gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/the-time-my-uncle-died/
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