Your Worst Enemy

According to National Cancer Institute, Chronic illness is, “A disease or condition that usually lasts for 3 months or longer and may get worse over time. Chronic diseases tend to occur in older adults and can usually be controlled but not cured. The most common types of chronic disease are cancer, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and arthritis” (National Cancer Institute). On the surface, it may appear to be this short summary, but from someone who is personally going through it, the definition could be explained with pages and pages. You have a chronic illness. The sentence that you never wanted to hear. The sentence you thought you would never have to hear. People hear “chronic illness” and think; it's a condition that you are stuck with for life. But it's not just a sickness that lives in the back of your life. Is not just something you will accept. It's not just something you will learn to live with. If only they knew the whole story to it.

Chronic illness has a different definition for each person. Each person has a different story connected to it. Over the years I’ve come to summarize a conclusion of what chronic illness means to me. It’s when hospitals become my second home and in some parts of my life, my first home. It means doctor appointments will be a definite part of your schedule, indefinitely. It means quickly learning to bring your own pillow for long-haul hospital stays. Scientific tests become routine, having x-rays taken feel no different than a snap from your camera. It's having blood drawn from your veins becomes just another task to check off the list, like getting your groceries done. It means not having money set aside for rainy days, because rainy weather is the year round climate in our world. Even if it's not thunderstorming, it's always slightly drizzling. Chronic illness is pain confined to the inside of your body. It starts to brew underneath your skin where nobody can see it, and by the time it reaches the surface of your skin to a point of “looking sick”, it has often climaxed to life threatening situations.

Chronic illness is the concept of knowing there is no cure. No cure means no hope. It's a tragic situation. People hope you feel better soon, they say to get lots of rest. The irony is no amount of sleep is going to fix this. It's like a cheap phone charger. You use it expecting to have a full battery, but you wake up with it only 60% charged. You try to plug it back in but you never know how much more battery you will get. You accept how much you have and learn to deal with it. Chronic illness doesn't get better, it only gets worse. People need to stop telling people going through this to get over it. It's something that has changed your entire life, you have a right to be struggling with it. You do not need to prove your illness to anyone. Walking into the main cardiologists office Icould feel my hands glazed with sweet. I sat down and the doctor began to speak. He jumped right to the point, which I was not expecting. “You have Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy, you will need to stop playing sports immediately and need to get hurt surgery by next week. I felt my heart stop. I always thought people exaggerate when they say their heart is broken. But now I understand where they are coming from. My heart fell to the floor and my eyes got blurry. Everything was going in slow motion as I look over at my parents, who were looking at my reaction. I did nothing. I could do nothing. I got up and walked out into the hall. I felt my legs go weak and my dad put his hands on my shoulders steering me through the busy hallway.

At that moment, I felt more pain in my chest then I ever have in my life. At the same time, chronic illness can be a beautiful thing. From an outsider's perspective, they see us at our worst, slowly dying. But from an insiders perspective, we see the growth we have made through this illness. The character that we've built. The connections and friendships made through support groups and hospitals. You realize what's important and your values. Chronic illness isn't just defined by pain and depression. It comes with a supportive family, trying new hobbies and passions you may have never tried before. It's seeing a strength come out of you that you never thought you had. It's being proud of yourself for getting out of bed. It's the fundraisers your supporters have done for you. It's so much more than people think. Chronic illness means that you are here and alive. Maybe it means no cure, no remedy or eliminating stigma, but everyday you are here is another day you win against your illness. Chronic illness is living with a demon attached to you, but learning to have a new outlook on life under a different set of rules.