A Letter from The Girl Who Loves You

The first time I saw you, I thought you were younger than us. But you already knew that. The second time I wasn't as lucky. The second time I saw your ridiculously mischievous smile I was a little blown away. You asked me why I was taking pictures of everything I saw. And I think I lost something valuable of mine the moment I set my eyes on you. At the same time I gained something of myself that I never knew I had. I thought this would be easier, writing this to you. Seeing as I've been preparing for the moment I ruin our friendship for a long time. But sitting here, trying to think of everything I still need to say to you.I can't explain the emotions swimming around in my mind, threatening to slowly drown me from the inside out. Yup.

This is totally turning into a poem. So not my intention. Look, I know what's going to happen when I give you this letter. That's why I've been putting this off for so long. Two years to be exact. And I understand why you're going to reject me. You've been doing that unknowingly since day one. I know you don't date, and I understand why too. I know you don't like me like that. At all. And you probably never will. You like Simoné. She was your first big crush, right? It breaks my heart. . But have to get this off my chest. I love you, okay? I know you don't want to hear it but I am in love with you. I think I have been since the day I met you. The second time. Okay fine, that's not entirely true. I didn't know I loved you like that until recently. But still, I do. I didn't ask for it, it just happened. And I guess it's not your fault either. It's mine, for letting my guard down. For so long, I've denied how I felt about you because of knowing that you don't feel the same. But it's there, and now there's no turning back. You're my best friend in the whole freaking world. I can't remember a time you weren't there for me. A moment you didn't make time to listen to my ridiculous stories or make me feel better when I was having an off day. It's only been two years, but it feels like I've known you forever. And still there isn't a day that goes by that I don't learn something new about you. I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life. Not even the person we'll not name. Never. It's the little things about you that capture my heart every single time. Like the way you are with little kids.

Or the way you tell me not to worry about anything, because everything is going to be fine. The way you try over and over and over again to teach me to dance and even though I never get it right, you still don't give up. The way you dance like there's no one else around. The way I can tell when your smile is fake and when it's not. The way you always ask me how I'm doing, making me feel better when school is awful. The way you get so excited over My Little Pony, or Adventure Time or something you love. The list is never-ending. You let me live. Before you came into my life, I wouldn't even have thought of doing half the things I've done with and for you. You make me face my fears, conquer them even though I'm terrified. Like finally telling you all of this. I'm scared, Sims. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen after you read this letter or after I tell you that I struggle to breathe. I'm terrified of losing you. The most scary thing is as I'm writing this, the only thought going around in my mind is "I love you, I love you, I love you. " Like a scratched record. Remember all those times I picked fights and teased you and got all emotional over nothing? That was me trying to get over you. I tried to tell myself that you were this asshole who doesn't care about anything, this awful person who is just going to break my heart because he's just like that. Who's only dragging me along on a string, leading me on just to let me down when you leave again. When I don't talk to you or I don't see you, it's easier to pretend. But time and time again you prove me wrong. Because you're not that person. Not even close. You never even realised that you were leading me on.

My heart was just too stupid to realise that you're that way with everyone. I told you that I didn't like it when you threw me over your shoulder, or teased me about my height, acted annoyed when you tickled me or leaned on me because I felt guilty for secretly loving it. I'm sorry I'm always hurting your feelings. I guess it's just my way of trying to hurt you just like you hurt me, unknowingly. That's no excuse, just a way I thought I could get over you faster. The problem is, it's impossible to get over you. It's ridiculous, right? You're probably pitying me soo much right now. I pity myself, really. This is really embarrassing. Probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. Writing a "love" letter to someone who doesn't feel the same. Falling in love with my best friend. Actually telling my best friend how I feel even though he's been trying to subtly reject me for two years.

I'm totally messing this up, aren't I. I'm sorry I'm ruining our entire friendship with my ridiculous feelings. I just have to tell you. Everything. I can't hold anything back anymore. I know you don't want to know all of this. But I have to get it off my chest. Do you know why I love Owl City so much? Because it reminds me of you. Wanna know why I get so crazy sometimes, sending random messages or voicenotes you really don't want? Because I want you to be part of my life. I want you to know what happens that's funny or sad or makes me lose my mind. I remember the smallest things that happen when we're together. I'm just going to pretend our first meeting didn't happen, because it doesn't really count if the only words we said were "Hello". But when I met you, I knew I was going to fall for you, no matter what. I'd rather not say the other thought that came up because that's just way too embarrassing. It was kind of like a movie: Bright by Echosmith was playing and the more I got to know you, the more the lyrics were true. When we did the dishes together, when you tried to protect me from my little Gremlin brothers, when you carried our dishes for me and clumsy I let it fall right out of your hands but you just laughed and teased me about being clumsy. I think I knew even then that you would be a big part of my life. Hungry Heart is still one of my favourite songs, because I listened to it non-stop that long weekend in August. It's a stupid thought, but it kind of hurts my feelings when I recall something you don't even know happened.

Like when we went to McDonald's last year, and you were telling me a story about how you fell down a slide or something and you cut your hand. You showed me where you cut yourself,only, you didn't show me on your hand like you could have. You showed me on my hand. At the time, silly old me thought it was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me. Later that day, when we were standing by the garage door and I just wanted to fetch the keys to open the gate before I said goodbye, you stopped me and asked, with this pouty little face, "Aren't I getting a hug? " I fell a little harder then. It's crazy how things can change in such a little amount of time.When I first met you, you didn't hug anyone. You just ruffled my hair and said, "Baai. " That New Year's Eve when you hugged me goodbye I was so shocked because I wasn't expecting it at all. Every hug after that was something I treasured, something I locked away in a special compartment in my heart. I've known since the start that you're not a cuddly person. I'm not either, but with you it's somehow different.

You know what else makes me lose my mind sometimes? You. You can make me sooo mad sometimes. It's insane. With anyone else I'll be reserved and I would never ever have the guts to fight with them any other way than over text. With you it's the complete opposite. With you I have to sort things out immediately by calling you or discussing it or I can't concentrate on anything else until we do. In the same breath, you calm me down. It's like a roller-coaster of emotions whenever I'm with you. At the same time, you make me sooo happy. No one, not a single person who is not my family can make me smile without saying a word like you do. You've taught me soo much. Your hugs are like an addiction to me. I can't get enough. Your laugh is my favourite sound in the whole world. You always have this little laugh in your tone, almost like you're trying to hide it. I love that. Your smile is literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Even better than Shawn's. The way you look at me sometimes.Even though it only lasts half a second. I swear you like me back. But then the moment fades and we're back to being only friends. I'm being way too honest with you and that's probably a bad thing, seeing as you probably didn't even want to know this in the first place. Why can't you love me?