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The fear to express my ideology is what makes me an introvert in society. My thinking relates the possibilities of brain waves and the virtual brain, which are the factors always criticized, forcing me to lie down without expressing myself. For me, “Living my truth” has always been a nightmare, as my way of thinking is not accepted by most people, in both high school and college. I live in a world, where I suppress my ideas, fake my smile, and follow what the society offers. I was in grade 7th when I first understood the concept of brain waves, which relates to actions through emotions. Different emotions have different actions and can change a person drastically.
I was not that good at studying, so I forced myself to imagine horrible things like rejection and abandonment from loved ones and challenged myself to focus on studies so that those horrible events would not occur. This resulted in my never experiencing second place until now. I used anxiety, fear, and suppression to drive myself to this point, all the time lying to myself about being laborious. I have practiced this usage of emotions for the past six years, and I am getting used to making such imaginative horrible stories. Maybe it’s the side effect of it, I rarely feel happiness or enjoyment over parties, festivals, occasions, cultures, and even on dates. It’s been over three years; I began feeling numb towards most events. I meditated, went to a psychiatrist, psychologist, involved myself in group programs and social activities, outings with friends, but nothing changed at all. Now that, I am in the USA, a completely different nation, far from my parents, but it’s still the same. The smell of the air, the noise of vehicles, the shade of trees, and the running dreams of people are all same.
Faking a smile all the time is just the suppression of the identity of who I really am. What I believe and what I think is still controversial and imaginary, so even after being freed from family observations or control, I am unable to live my truth, or go with the way I believe. I wanted to live my truth, following the principles to achieve the acme of brain waves, and finally developing a virtual brain based on it. However, deep down, I am just lonely, and the emotions are gradually fading away, so I am losing the identity of myself in it. Sometimes, I wonder whether living my truth sacrificing each and everything is worth the effort. Even when nobody is forcing me or anything, I have doubts about myself whether this is the truth I wanted to live for. Fearing criticism for this eighteen years has brought myself into controversy, where my mind doubts on my ability. Thus, I must admit that I was not living my truth and have yet to find it.
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