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I had for the longest time been living a lie, we all do at some point. My lie was that I was born in unprivileged home. I was not lucky and nobody loved me. I always compared myself with people around me and saw myself as not amongst the lucky ones, as not amongst the loved. This had a lot of impact in many things that I did in my life, mostly negative. From education where I changed schools 7 times in my 9-year period primary education. I had to re-do my class 7 so as not to go ahead of my sister who had to repeat as she joined a new school in her class 7 as I had. This movement in school was born out of my mama’s movement from one school to the other. She was a primary school teacher and sometimes requested to be relocated.
As I grew, my grandma needed someone to stay with and help with farm work. As one of the oldest grandsons I was a perfect candidate. My grandma was a tough woman and I received tough love. I can tell you now that I am who I am because of the values instilled in me by my grandmother. I literally managed my grandma’s small farm of 6 acres by the age of 11 years. I milked 3-5 cows every morning before heading out and in the evening after school which was not very far, just 45 minutes away. Over the weekends I would take them to the nearby forest and be gone for the whole day like somebody working in an office. From 9am in the morning till 5pm in the evening and the cycle continued day in day out till after primary school which I scored averagely and went to an average High school. The high school was about 2 and half to 3 hours walk away from home. Yes, I walked home and back any time I went home in the middle of the term. This and few other events in my life convinced me and cemented the lie of not being lucky and not being loved or wanted. These are some of the challenges of single parenting, where kids grow up with a certain perspective in life. It becomes very difficult to see this and help them out or counsel them effectively.
A lot of things that I did back then was informed by my experience. Where I survived and or had to work hard because I believed that is how life is meant to be. When I missed an opportunity in doing something I wanted, I told myself I wasn’t meant to get it in the first place. I did not see myself as deserving of anything. Occasionally I wanted to prove something by attaining good grades in college and being the best in drills or some other activity like choosing to go to a government para-military college where I will bother no one with fees. I wanted to protect myself from other people, I wanted to prove something to other people. My elder brother and sister were struggling through college and I did not wish the same for me. So, I made choices as a way of avoiding getting hurt or being in people’s debt. This lie, held me back and it wasn’t until I confronted this ghost from the past through understanding the power of starting now, which is a foundational principle in yoga. It is okay to start now, dropping all that I must so I can be fully immersed in the now and embracing the fact that now is the only thing that matters. The past is gone and the future is created effectively by being present and understanding that each moment I am building my future. But first I needed to accept my lie for what it was, a lie and nothing else. I needed to close this cabinet and files from the past so they stop spilling into my future and create space for a new and powerful future for myself and for all that I care about. See scientist over the years came to discover that 86% of the self-talk is negative and that is exactly what this was. This self-talk or internal conversation undistinguished is taken as “me” talking, and as saying what is true, what is possible and what isn’t. Distinguished, it is simply a voice, a voice I must learn to be with but ignore because it is not going anywhere soon. Discovering for myself the impact of my internal dialogue allows for being fully present, being able to listen to others, and to get others as possibility. Creating this distinction was imperative for my forward movement.
Going beyond this called for more than listening to myself. Through practicing yoga, being around others, sharing stories and feedback, gave me an insight into other people’s life’s and discovering how so many of us have the same ghosts holding us back from accessing who we truly are and our potential. Listening and reading yoga journals and other inspirational books and attending forums, the curtains started lifting. Little by little the light shone into my space, and the shade reduced. The shade in this context is my comfort zone. I was very comfortable knowing that my life would just keep happening to me, and all I do is take is as it comes, blow after blow. But now I had the realization that I was in command. That is when the work begins, molding myself into who I wanted to be for me and for others. I began to understand what my contribution has been and what I wanted it to be, who I needed to be to get the results that I wanted in life. This is where all the work is at, it is a full-time job changing myself and I must work systematically and patiently.
I have had so many excuses the likes of I was born poor, not lucky, not equipped well enough for the test of life, but who was? Right? This voice was disempowering to say the least, bringing the distinction that this internal dialogue shapes my listening on the outside to be consistent to all that I consider to be true, which is in the past. Bringing the distinction that now I can remold myself into the person I want to be. By confronting and closing the past out and making a choice to move on has been my biggest lesson.
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